Year End Journal Entry

Regardless of the title, this isn't anything to do with accounting!  At least not in the financial sense! I do think of taking time to think about Gods Word and what it means to me in my life as a way of being accountable, so in my mind it's kind of like accounting!  For example I am advised in
James 1:22-25 "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says.  Anyone who listens  to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it- not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it- they will be blessed in what they do."

There've been many years of my life that right around New Years Eve I would take time to look over the past year and journal the experiences and do some self evaluation.  I would look to see, "am I growing as a Christian or have I  moved further away from God?".  Still to this day, I try to keep that tradition an ongoing thing.  And Simply and Honestly I believe God has  used this time of remembering and evaluating to help me grow in Christ.

I think a big part of why I do this is because on New Years Eve in 1982 I knew I had done some things that did not please God.  Our church was ringing in the New Year with what they called a watch night service.  I remember going forward to accept communion and feeling in my heart that I needed to ask God for forgiveness for the wrong that I'd done.  And THAT night is where I decided to follow Jesus.  Not just because Mom and Dad and my brother were all Chrisitians, but because I felt God calling me to Him.  That is when my Christian journey really began.  That is when I fell in love with Jesus and searched the Bible to see why do I believe what I believe?  How do I know that what I believe is right versus all the other doctrines and religions of the world?

Looking back on it now, that's some pretty deep stuff for a 12, almost 13 year old to think about. That must have been God leading me!  I spent most of my teen years reading in my Bible and honing in on the parts that answered my questions.  There was a new desire in my life to want to do right.  So that is where and when my journey to follow Christ for myself began. I think I was 15 or 16 when I started this year end in review/ journaling.

As far as this past year is concerned, it's been a year that I've experienced some close encounters in which I thought my life was coming to an end!  Never have I faced the things I've experienced this past year. Honestly, I feel God has given me my life back.

Here's a weird perspective on this new lease I have on life: my grandmother is exactly double my age this year.  She still gets around, both she and my grandfather are an inspiration to me of what faithfulness means, even in the face of hardship, they've remained true to God and to each other.  That wasn't the point I was making about my grandmother being exactly twice my age, but I had to share that!  My point is, if I live to be as old as she then I have lived half of my life up to this point.

With that thought in mind, I want to make the second half of my life count for more!  I am looking forward to the year ahead as a year to accomplish great things!  Throughout my life I can see God has  custom fit the events to put me here, now at this time in this place and at this age for a higher purpose than to just live a comfortable life.  I believe this is what you call getting out of your comfort zone!  Regardless may 2015 be a year spent for a higher purpose!
Proverbs 29:18 "When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild.
But whoever obeys the law is joyful."

All I Want For Christmas

Just recently I heard on The Message, my Serious XM satellite, go to radio station the following, "It's a sign of old age when someone asks you, "What do you want for Christmas", and you can't think of anything.  Then when you do finally think of something, it's something that can just be picked up at CVS."  That one made me laugh and nod in agreement!

Oh well, I may be getting older but along with that I'm getting wiser!  Wisdom comes with experience and experience comes from making mistakes. Taking the time to learn from those mistakes does indeed give one experience!  And I've surely made my fair share of them, just ask Steve! Uh, on second thought maybe not! :)

With the years of hearing the Christmas story, growing up in the church, hearing it at home, reading it In my alone time with God and then running full circle of teaching it to our son, and bringing him to church, it is easy to just gloss over it. I mean by my age, even if I'd only heard it once a year I've heard the Christmas story at least, 40 + times by now! (Not divulging my exact age in this format!) :)

So how does one make it fresh and new?  Actually it's not my job to make it fresh and new.  Well I do have to put forth the desire, but God is the One who makes it fresh every year! As for this year, God has already given me a new, old truth that I remeber learning around the age of 13 or 14. Michael is fourteen this year and I don't know why, but that is one period of my life that I remember vividly!

I remember learning the meaning of my name, which means Pure, or Pure one, around that time. Learning the meaning of my name put the desire in me to live up to it!  I also remember a fill in Pastor in our church, Rev. Jack Pease talking about the virgin  Mary.  He spoke of how she was probably very young, maybe 15 years old and God had chosen her to be the mother of the Messiah.
She was just a common girl, not of royalty, there was nothing that drew attention to her. And yet in her young innocence she chose to live in such a way, that God would pick her to be the mother to His son.

Rev. Pease challenged us to be that kind of man or woman.  That when God is looking for someone to use for His plan, that He would choose you!  Now, I know, that God uses people who've messed up.  People who were totally not perfect by any stretch of the imagination!  Look at the apostle Paul, he murdered Christians, in the form of what he thought was the right thing to do!Yet God revealed Himself to Paul and he was a different man! He then went on to be one of the first missionaries of the gospel and he wrote nearly 1/2 of the New Testament!  So I know better than to think that God only uses the perfect, the holy, the elite!  And Romans 3:23 makes it very clear that we've all sinned and
have fallen short of God's glory. Also, Isaiah states that, " all of our righteousness is as filthy rags".  (Isaiah 64:6).  Even if we do everything to our best, humanly speaking, it's still not good enough to come into the presence of a holy God!

After having said all of that, even Mary, would have been imperfect and in need of having her sins
forgiven!  Yet God saw her hearts desire! The desire to do what is right and pleasing to God!  There is something to be said of the one whose grown up in the church and has chosen to follow Jesus.  A life that has been spared the the consequences of rebelling and reaping the results of that rebellion.

There are no garuntees that the son we are raising will always choose the "narrow" path.  But I have thrown out this challenge to him that Rev. Pease threw out to our church when I was a teen!  Strive to be that kind of person that when God is looking for someone to use, that He'd choose you!  I pray that Steve and I as parents are faithful to practice what we preach!


Simply and Honestly, the only gift I want, really can't be bought at CVS.  It can only be bought through the life that Jesus gave when He died for our sins and paid the price.  What I want for
Christmas is to know that we've have been faithful to pass the baton onto our son.  To see him to continue to make that choice  and live for God!  No pressure on Steve and I as parents!

Always Only For My King

It's crazy the things God uses to make me more like Him and less of me.  When normal activities are withheld from ones life, well at first it's nice to just rest and allow the body to heal.  Then after a while it's easy to become stir crazy!  Just to be able to vacuum and mop the floors, at this point almost feels like a luxury. Oh! Did I just say that?   Notice I did say ALMOST! And sorry, but I'm just able to do our own, so please don't volunteer me to come do yours!

 But that's the truth!  Then to be able to do work in the yard with caution of course- it felt like I am a contributing member of this family again, more than just doing laundry and dishes! And dare I say it, to finally be able to mow the lawn, felt like I was back in the saddle again! (Yesterday, November 25th was my first time to mow in 4 months!)

I'm just thinking about how wonderful it feels to be able to do these things again! If you'd told me a year ago I'd be this grateful for these things, I would have laughed and thought you were joking!  I am so thankful  to be able to mow. Being able to mow, means my son can just be a student and focus on his a;ready full plate of, School, Teen Quizzing, Science Center education and Taekwondo.  It all keeps him pretty busy.  To be able to vacuum and mop the floors helps me to keep our place somewhat inhabitable.  Which makes our house a safe haven to call home, where there is order and structure.  YES! I was finally able to do some organizing last week!  It's amazing how many piles of things were just sitting around awaiting being put back in their proper places!  And how many things needed to be thrown out!

I have an idea that God may have permitted the unusual events of our summer with my being in and out of the hospital, to teach me a thing or two!  I know I even wrote a post about what is my lesson in all of this in which I shared some of the events that God was using to shape my life.  But now looking
back from this perspective I see life!  God has granted you and I life and breath!   Never have I felt so thankful to be alive!  Never have I felt the desire to make the most of my time.  Investing my time,
energies and talents  for a higher purpose than to please myself.  Moses prayer in Psalm 90:12 has a new meaning  to me, "Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. "(‭Psalm‬ ‭90‬:‭12‬ NIV). And yet in giving my all to God, He in turn has blessed me immensely, Psalm 103:5 says, "...who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s." This Thanksgiving I am  so thankful that God has restored my body from the trauma that I experienced this past summer.  I am thankful for life and to be alive.  To be able to use the gifts, talents and abilities, and the experiences God has brought me through for His purposes.  It's not all about what's in it for me.  Not that it ever was, but now more than ever I see this life as something precious to be valued. To live without regrets! To make the most of the time I am given,
as James puts it,"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. (‭James‬ ‭4‬:14‬ NIV)

Another way I'm looking at life differently these days is to let the special people in my life know how
much they mean to me!  And a big way I see that is by celebrating their lives by remembering their
Birthdays, and to let them know their life has impacted mine. To let them know, I'm thankful to God that He brought our paths together.

By the way God has really blessed me with some amazing friends who are such encouragers and down to Earth people that I can just be myself with.  And for family I am one blessed gal, to be brought up in a home that showed love and taught me how to live, laugh and love!  It's not the stuff I can accumulate that I'm as thankful for as it is the people God's blessed me with.  Friends and family mean much more to me these days!

This was longer than I intended, but Simply and Honestly this day of Thanksgiving I'm so thankful
for the life God has given me and for my family and the many special friends that are in my life.  God's blessings just seem to be overflowing and I cannot begin to Thank God enough for each of you who've made a difference in my life! In the only way I can even begin to Thank God for His goodness and blessings in my life I give Him everything, always, only for my King.
This song is my Thanksgiving prayer:

Take My Life

Take my life and let it be

consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

Take my moments and my days,

let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands and let them move

at the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be

swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing

always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be

filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold

not a mite would I withhold.

Take my intellect and use

every power as You choose.

Chorus:

Here am I, all of me

Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine

it shall be no longer mine.

Take my heart it is Thine own

it shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord I pour

at Your feet its treasure store

Take myself and I will be

ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.

Take my life, it's all for Thee

(Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me)

Here am I, all of me.

Take my life, it's all for Thee

The season of Thankfulness

They say wisdom comes with age and Proverbs 20:29b says, ". . . the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old."  A few weeks ago when We as a family were traveling with my Mother in law we had made a pit stop at a Travel Plaza.  While there the lighting was pretty bright compared to the energy efficient light bulbs we have at home.  As I looked in the mirror I noticed quite a bit more gray in my hair than I'd realized I had!  I asked my M.I.L. Is it just the lighting in here or do I have this much gray hair?  She laughed and confirmed my fear that I did have that much, but quickly assured me that it looked real nice, kind of like I'd had a nice frost job done!  Thanks (I think)!

So now I wonder who gave me all these gray hairs, was it Steve or was it Michael?!  Between the two, of them I've earned every one of those gray hairs! ;)  There's an old Amy Grant song that was released around the time Steve and I were engaged.  It's  called, Oh How The Years Go By.  Part of the lyrics are,"Oh how the years go by. We fight, we laugh, we cry as the years go by..."  No, thankfully we rarely "fight" we've had our shares of laughter and great times together and we've tasted of the bitter cup of grief.  But through it all and by Gods hand we are still together after 18 years of marriage! And we are stronger for it because we've weathered the storms and have come through on the other side victorious! Now I will say this, were it not for God and His keeping grace we would not have weathered those storms!  We owe so much to God and His power to keep two totally different people and yet somehow make us one!  In regards to that old Amy Grant song the years definitely get better as they fly by!  We've both changed in many ways and for the good.  Steve has definitely helped me to grow into the person I am today and I really hope that I've been the same to him!

This is the season of Thankfullness and as I take a few moments to reflect on God's goodness in our lives, I feel so unworthy of God's blessings in my life! I thank Him for loving me when there was nothing good in me. I thank Him for daily helping me to grow and become more like Jesus!  I'm thankful God doesn't walk out on us, that He is patient and forgiving. That He doesn't settle for less
than our all!  Wow and I'm just getting started!

Then there's the blessing of being a wife and a mom, of having a husband who loves and provides for his family!  All of our needs God has provided for and many of our wants.  Oh may I never take Gods blessings in my life for granted!

I know for me personally through many years God is helping me to not be a complainer, and if you catch me complaining you have my permission to stop me in my tracks and call me on it!  But on the flip side of that is the aspect of thankfullness.  If I'm busy looking for the things to be thankful for, then maybe, just maybe I won't have time to notice the things nagging at me to complain about! A passage that God has used to challenge me in this area is, Phillipians 2:14-15, which says, "Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.

Simply and honestly maybe with these new gray hairs that are the splendor of the old and indicate life's experience, are a way that God is making a new and better me. One who complains less and is more thankful.

Striving to be That Kind of Mom

Well, I'm entering that stage of Motherhood that says it's time to let my son go and spread his wings.  No, he isn't headed for college, but if at 13 almost 14 I don't start  the process of letting go, begin, he'll be depending on Mom and Dad when it's time to strike out on his own.  It's a tough balancing act!  Somedays we don't see eye to eye on anything.  Sometimes I get a break and we laugh and make memories I'll cherish long after he leaves home! It was easier when he was younger and we'd go through these times where he'd test the boundaries and I let him know where they were with definitive consequences. After a period of  say a week of that type of behavior we'd be back to my compliant son who respected those boundaries.

As a side note, there was a time when Michael was in first grade and he'd get distracted at school.  It seemed he was ending up in the principals office every day. I'd been talking to him at home about what was going on, and felt he was trying but he was having difficulty.  I've taught enough kids to read and I knew he was smart, but I did notice his reading did not take off as I'd expected.
Finally I got a double edged idea!  I laid down the law.  I let him know he would get the spanking of his life if he got in trouble and ended up in the principals office!  Now to make the stakes the highest I could I promised him if he succeeded at not ending up in the principals office I'd do something great, we'd go to Chuck E Cheese or something of that caliber.  Well I hate to report but he DID end up in the principals office for not following through and doing his seat work.  So, true to my word I pulled out the belt.  As I was getting ready to make the first swat, he cries and says, "Mommy, you're the only one who understands me, you and Jesus!"  Well that kind of broke this Mommy's heart!  I did end up going to bat for my son with his teacher, and we began to look into what the reasons were as to why he was having  such a difficult time sitting and following through on seat work ect.  We did find out a year and a half later that in addition to vision problems that he was diagnosed with ADHD.

Now back to 13 almost 14.  We've had this struggle lately and the other night I was exasperated, frustrated and to the point of tears. It started hitting me, that my little boy is growing up and wanting space AWAY from his Mom.  That hurt!!  I prayed for God to help us figure out what to do!  How do I handle this?  Time to pull out some psychology books or child rearing books or something!  What happened next, I believe was God's answer to my brief prayers of help me figure this out Lord!  Finally at bed time, Michael exclaims," I feel like you're babying me!".  In response to this I told him, "I feel like you're not respecting me!".  Then it hit me, we can build on this now that we've both expressed what we're feeling.  So before we turned out the lights and said good night, we shook on a plan to point out to the other when we're doing it again.  And we agreed to make the needed adjustments.  Since that night, things have been smoother!   It's only been four days since then, but at least we understand each other!

This Tues Oct. 7, 2014 marks the 8th anniversary of my Mother's death.  There's so much I could say here, but I will try to convey how remarkable my Mom was and how I'm striving to be the kind of Mom she was!  I turned out largely due to her consistent example and I don't think my brother nor I turned out all that bad!  She was a level headed parent.  She was not too lenient, nor was she such a stickler for rules that we couldn't wait to break away. She loved God and lived to give of her time talents and energy for God and His kingdom.  That was not just something she did as a front when we were in church.  She lived it at home.  Teaching us to pray, living how to give, leading by example.  I remember a time she shared her love for God's Word when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade.  She would read her Bible before going into work and facing the world.  She shared in church about how Moses talked to God face to face and just shared her renewed love for God's Word.  She'd listen to the song More Than Wonderful by Sandi Patti and Laranel Harris, which talks of God being a Counselor and of God's love for His children. To this day that passage of Scripture in Exodus is so special to me as is that song.

As I am reading a book by Dr. Kevin Leman called Have A New You By Friday, I'm realizing that my parenting skills will greatly affect how my son will face the challenges of life, work and responsibility.  I'm striving by God's grace to be the kind of parent who is neither too lenient nor too strict!  Simply and Honestly when we follow God's plan for parenting and we live it out in front of our kids, who see us even in the dark, who listen when we don't even realize they're listening, we are laying the groundwork for how they will respond to life and to God's design for their lives!

These are just some thoughts going through my mind as I think of this point in Motherhood as I reflect on my Mom whom God healed when He took her home.  Sometimes life is hard, but I'm so thankful that even on the rough days God is there with us in the middle of the pain or the hardship.  God never leaves and He's waiting for us to call on Him.  I'm learning to do that more and more these days!  God IS more than wonderful!!

Third Times the Charm?

This morning as I sat down and was getting ready to have my devotions these words came to mind,

 "...through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come;
"Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home. ..."

Life has a way of having it's twists and turns.  Sometimes things are going so smoothly that I forget to ask God for His help on any given situation or need.  Then, bam, right in my face, is a situation that is totally out of my control and all I can do is cry out to God for help!

The last month of summer for this year has been a concentrated form of, right in your face situations that all I could do is simply ask God to help me!  I know I've already written of two horrific episodes when I really thought I was fighting for my life.  For whatever reasons, God brought yet a third situation during this concentrated learn to lean on God time in my life! So the following  is the third situation which takes on a new twist!

Once again in looking back I see so many pieces of the puzzle that point to God's intervention in my life!  For starters, because of the hemorrhaging problems that sent me into the ER twice and into emergency surgery twice, my husband was fearful of leaving me alone.  He did need to be out of town on business and made arrangements for my Mother in Law to stay with me.  She had an appointment and would be gone during the day, Michael was in school, but Heather, a friend from church offered to come over and help with anything that she could!

We visited quite a bit and she did help with some housework.  But I remember her telling me, you've got to be aggressive in dealing with the doctors and medical personnel.  Ask questions, document and follow up.  Throughout that day I kept having pain in my chest.  I thought it was probably related to anxiety and just put the thought from my mind that it could possibly be anything else.

Heather left around 2pm and I remember having that pain come back, more intense this time.  I decided to be aggressive after getting the pep talk from Heather.  So I called my family doctor and asked to speak with a nurse!  The nurse told me to take my blood pressure while she was on the phone with me and so I did. It was: 167/110!  She told me to go to the emergency room that she did not even need to ask the doctor what I should do, but to just go!

As God would arrange it, my Mother in Law got home while I was still on the phone with the nurse. And so, she was able to drive me right to the ER!  Michael was able to go to his friend's house thanks to his friend's mom, Amy being aware of my situation said anytime I needed help to let her know!  See here again- God's provisions, Heather prompting me, my Mother in laws timely return, my friend being able to care for my son!

This time in the ER I was not bleeding to death!  I was apprehensive, but nothing like the other two times.  Immediately when I told them my BP was elevated and I was having chest pains they took me back! They ran an EKG so fast on me. At the time the EKG didn't show anything and so they arranged for me to have a cat scan of my chest.  The ER doctor said it was a precautionary measure to rule out any blood clot to the lungs.  I said it's probably just anxiety. my thinking was, after having 3 surgeries in less than a month's time, my body is suffering from that trauma. The ER doctor told me that right at that time there was a man in surgery because he thought it was just anxiety and they had found a clot on the lungs.  So he assured me that they were going to be thorough and check everything out due to the recent surgeries.

That is when I started to get a little nervous. But still thinking it would be treatable and I'd be home that evening.  WRONG!  After waiting the ER doctor came back and explained that they did indeed find a clot on my lungs. (Time to panic! No!  Hold on to God!)  Will this mean another surgery?  I need to get a text or call in to Steve!  He is not going to believe this! Texting didn't go through.  How do I get a message through to him!

My Mother in law was able to call him out in the waiting room/ lobby area. The next thing I remember, another one of the surgeons that was familiar with my case came in and asked me if I'd ever had any problems with my Aorta? To which I was thinking oh this is just another one of many questions they are going to pepper me with.  No!  Never had to worry about that!  I'm thinking, glad that was an easy one to answer! She then replied that I do now.  She said they'd found an aneurysm on my aorta.  That was it, I started to cry. She said I am so sorry, it seems like all I have to tell you is bad news. She left me to  myself, as my mother in law was out in the lobby.  I just laid there crying and asking God if I was falling apart and going to die.  I mean how often do you hear cause of death, aneurysm or blood clot to the lungs?  And here I have both!

A nurse was able to locate my MIL and she joined me as doctors began to talk about my situation and ask questions about what I'd already been through.  I remember the Ob/Gyn on call saw I was emotional and held my hand as a gesture of comfort as we discussed my case.  He then told me I was between a rock in a hard place and that my situation was a rare one!  Because of the previous surgeries in my abdomen if they put me on blood thinners to treat the clot it would leave me vulnerable to internal bleeding. But, if they did not deal with the clot to my lungs (with blood thinners) then more clots could develop and that would be dangerous!  As my husband says, "You don't want a medical phenomena named after you".

They called a Hematologist to my case and admitted me to the hospital- the 6th floor, same floor as before!  I already knew the nurses and actually looked for the ones I knew!  Some comfort, for a very confusing, emotional night!  During the time of diagnosis, I figured out a way to instant message my pastor and his wife through the wi-fi at the hospital and notified them that I was being admitted to the hospital.  The nurses wheeled me up to the 6th floor and I wasn't in my room more than 5 minutes when in walks Pastor Chad!  He said with confidence that he's see God shrink tumors and heal!  This was the confidence I needed at that very time!  His prayer of faith in a God who is able to do so much more than I can begin to wrap my mind around was contagious!  And if anything's contagious in the hospital, you want it to be FAITH!!

I was admitted to Aultman Hospital on Tuesday evening August 19th.  My husband drove through the night from Va. to be at the hospital with me the next morning.  He barely got home and showered and was there by my side! The days there are kind of a blur. I can remember having good days and bad days.  I would be crying and Steve would somehow get me to go from crying to laughing while I still had tears forming in my eyes!  (How'd he do that?)

I remember one evening at supper time, Steve wasn't able to get there with Michael for a little while yet as the lawn was being mowed.  So I sat there with my supper tray and began to feel like I was never going to get better. Scared and lonely and sad. Right then at that very moment Julie Hickman called me.  She was a volunteer who worked with me all last year in Bible Quizzing.  Towards the end of the quizzing year I found out she is a Christian counselor.  Her timing couldn't have been more of a God thing!  She was able to help me to see how much God was taking care of me and advised me to not be afraid to let my son see me living out my faith.  Not to hide or try to protect him from this trauma.  By the end of our phone call, I knew God's love was there with me and I didn't feel alone anymore!  God sent Julie to counsel me and help me lift my eyes above the situation and to look to the Healer, Counselor, and Friend who loves me more than I can begin to know!!

I wrote about one night in particular when I was anxious after moving to a different room and how God took care of that, this is what I shared on Facebook.:
"Last night, as I was waiting for a final blood draw so I could go to sleep it began again. Fear. I turned out the lights and the machinery behind my hospital bed was like a very bright night light beaming down. It started as what if I can't get to sleep because of this bright light, and escalated from there. 

..The next fear was being alone. Then fear of this and that. Then I realized it was Wednesday and the last two Thrs in a row I'd hemorrhaged. Tomorrow is Thursday I thought!

I started feeling hot all over. My stomached was nauseated. I felt a tightness constrict my body and it was hard to just breathe. At that point the nurse for the blood draw walked in. She was very kind as I explained I was having some anxiety issues and asked her to come back in 5min. She very kindly and graciously agreed to my terms.

All I could pray was God please help! Then called for my nurse. I explained to her about the last 2 Thrs . She was so compassionate and understanding. She got me to breathe again and put cool cloths around my neck. She got me the meds I needed and She assured me they were keeping a close eye on me. I'm not sure but I think she's solely assigned to me, because any need I have she's here in like under a min. I told her she was spoiling me when I first got moved to this room!

Someway, somehow, my body relaxed from the tension and I could breathe normal. I was able to think of all the prayers going up in my behalf. Prayers for complete healing. I rested in that thought that God was able to heal that artery inside of me that had been bleeding.

I tell you all of this because right now more than ever I am walking a faith walk. There are valleys of fear, but didn't David say, ...even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death you are with me?. God is! He is with me every step of the way. He's using the compassion and concern of a nurse, or a friends prayer or even in the medicines I'm taking. He is with me as the doctors try to figure me out. He is with me in a husband who drives all night so he can be by his wife's side."

Today is Sept.12th, nearly a month out from the frightening night when I learned I have a blood clot on my lungs and an aneurysm on my aorta!  As a side note this past Wed. as it was time to leave for church on my phone chirps this Tornado warning for our county!  My son is like, I'm not going out in this!  And we did hear of one touching down in an area west of our town, just as we were leaving the house.  I told Michael, look, God's going to take care of us!  I thought I was going to die 3 times in the last month, if He took care of me then, He will take care of us now!  Come on, we're going to church!!  Mind you I was using caution and keeping an eye on the radar and on the sky!  We were good, God kept us safe yet again!

So, yes, though many dangers, toils and snares I have already come!
But thank God for his Grace that will lead me home!  My faith may be
small and it may quiver in the wind but my faith is in the God Who created
all. The God Who knows our innermost being.  He never slumbers nor sleeps.
He is my hiding place in the storms of life.  "My shield is God most high, Who saves
the upright in heart." Psalm 7:10

And if our God is for then what could stand against us?

What Is My Lesson In All of This?

    Like so many things in life I hope to learn my lessons the easy way.  But of course I can't always pick the lessons I learn or even if they will be easy lessons or difficult lessons.  I am given the reassurance that God can turn the bad things  into something different and something good.  The popular verse Rom8:28 comes to mind right about now. " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  I don't think this verse means that God only allows good things to happen to us, but that He is capable of taking everything, good and bad and to make something good come out of it.  I heard Joyce Meyer recently talking about when Jesus waited to come to Lazarus' aid and in the mean time he died.  She mentioned that we often question why God allowed such and such to happen.  And that often it isn't even about us.  God may be allowing the situation to happen so that some time down the road we can use that experience to be of help to someone else.

As a dear friend and I were talking, she mentioned that it will be so amazing when we get to Heaven and we see all the pieces that God put together in our lives here on Earth.  Things we didn't even recognize while here will be revealed there.

So as I'm sifting through the pieces of the puzzle to the events that happened in my life in the last month I'm trying to figure out, "What is my lesson in all of this?".  I'm thinking there's several lessons to be learned.  So here goes the list!

The first lesson that comes to mind are all the many times God showed Himself to be real and active in my life!  Which I know I referenced in my last Blog entitled, God Must Really Love Me.  I wrote about the many ways God took care of me in a bad situation that could have been extremely worse than it was!

As some of you may know one week later to the day, on Thrs. Aug.14th/ actually it happened at 12:30a.m on Friday, but in my mind it still felt like Thursday. I had another hemorraging and was taken by ambulance to the local ER at Aultman Hospital.  Thankfully my husband was still in town! This particular incident was every bit as scary as the first that happened in Lancaster, PA.  I was calmer at first because I knew God had taken care of me the last time.  On the ambulance ride in, I kept reciting Ps. 46:1 "God is our refuge a very present help in time of need.".  Thankful that God gave me that verse right when I needed it!

Upon arrival to the ER, a young nurse named Katie assessed the needs and got an ER doctor in to see me. Steve drove in, so when he arrived she was helping me.  Which I think he was exposed to more than what he saw last time. It's kind of a blur in my mind.  I just remember the hemorrhaging and feeling the need to tell Steve I loved him.  He said I said it over and over again and then he said it looked like I was having a seizure.  I remember telling him I love you several times and the pain getting so bad that I couldn't stand it anymore and suddenly everything felt calm, no pain, no anxiety, just peace.  At that moment Steve says he was fearful that he was going to lose me.  The nurse got the ER doctor and he said I had just passed out.  It was brief, only for a few seconds, but the reprieve in the pain and mental anguish was enough to help me get through the hurdle. Another God sighting, even in the midst of pain He allowed me to pass out to give me that reprieve.

The ER doctor notified the Ob/gyn that was on call that I needed emergency surgery.  Now at this point I'd already had two major surgeries, one on July 23 rd a robotic hysterectomy and on Aug 7th the same surgery they were going to do again. Check to make sure no damage in the healing process from the hysterectomy and send a scope in through incision to see where the internal bleeding was occurring. So this was becoming old hat, talking to an anesthesiologist, getting a shower cap put on my head, meeting a surgical team. This time I was scared because I'd had a snack around 9:30 p.m. And I knew they'd need to put that pipe down my throat.  But I knew I'd be out.  Incidently this was around 2:30a.m. And Steve posted on Facebook about this emergency surgery.  Two people were up at that time and saw the post and said they were praying, Mike Gardner and Rose Medley. Thank you to both of you and anyone else out there that was praying!  All I know is I felt I was at the mercy of God, the surgeons and those holding me up to God in prayer!

So, the next morning as I was coming to, my doctor who performed the hysterectomy made his rounds. They still couldn't find where I was bleeding and couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again!  That was not reassuring!  And this time my blood count was 6.9. Which meant I'd need a transfusion of 2 pints of blood.

Still in the hospital on Friday for observation and to run tests.  No guarantees, just needs.  I cried out to God to help me. He gave me an awesome nurse named Melissa.  She and I bonded if that is possible. She took the time to be a friend.  She administered the transfusions and allotted extra time to ensure that I didn't have any reactions. No reactions to the blood transfusions praise God! She also had a newspaper delivery background and hit it off with Steve.  We laughed and shared stories and that was such a bright spot!  The next morning was Saturday, and I woke up with a migraine.  The nice thing about being in the hospital is you can take some pretty strong pain killer and anti nausea medicine and you're better in no time!  Little things and big things, God is good!!

This time I was released on Sunday morning to come home.  Shew I'd made it! Still no guarantees of future bleeding.  They did have a game plan in place if the hemorrhaging started again, to rush right into surgery to find the artery that was bleeding, while it was happening.  The human side of me sees this as no guarantees, but the hope in me from God sees there were people all over the place praying for me, sharing my need with their churches.  I have no idea how many people were praying but I'm sure it was in the hundreds.  All I can say, is God is indeed One Who hears and answers prayer!!

I am now 6 weeks out from the original hysterectomy, which they did say that's when complete healing would occur and there would be no more chances of the hemorrhaging happening again!!  I only just realized that on Wed evening before heading out the door to teach my first lesson in Word Warriors to our church kids!  I was ready to have a celebration at that point!!

You know something, when I was in the hospital one of the things that I was thinking about was the logistics of how to get my lessons together for Word Warriors!  It gave me yet another to fight the good fight!  I remember my Mom teaching me that when you're sick and it's easy to focus on self, to find a ministry to give to. And that in return there is a blessing!  Her legacy lives on!  Wed night I was so blessed to see a group of kids excited to learn God's Word and having fun!  God is so good!!!